jokes from email

ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS

  • The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
  • It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
  • Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them.
  • Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play themselves.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Canon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
  • Diatonic is a low-calorie Schweppes.
  • Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • A harp is a nude piano.
  • The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
  • An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
  • The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
  • Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
  • Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
  • I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
  • Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
  • My favorite composer was Opus.
  • Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
  • Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
  • Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
  • Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

    • A certain well known professional, now retired, once told me his audition story involving transposition. He was on his way to another audition by bus when he saw a line of horn players out of the bus window. So he got off the bus and found out that they were all waiting for their turn for an audition being held at that very moment; so he got in line. He noticed that everybody came out from their audition in a really dour mood. When it came time for his turn he found out why. The audition piece was in an awful key, I think it was Ab, but I am not sure I remember the key correctly. As he couldn't play it either, he decided to play it in F so he could learn the intervals and then when they told him it was in the wrong key, he could start over and play it correctly. The audition committee didn't ask him to play it again in the right key; they gave him the job!
    Can you guess who this hornist is?

    PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES PLAN FOR NOTE CUT INITIATIVE

    Crawford, TX, August 29 (AP)--In an effort to reach out to Constituencies outside his traditional power base, President George W. Bush today announced a new "note cut" initiative, intended to appeal to classical musicians. Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks with some general observations.
    "Music is a good thing. I like music because I like good things, and music is good for America. It's fundamentalistic to the American spirit.

    "Classically-orientated musicians--the ones that play in orchestras, in the churches of this great country of ours, in polka bands, and on the telephone when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune 500 companies--are especially important, because they play a whole lot of notes. And these are good, American notes, that haven't been genetically altered, which Laura and I prize very highly. As I like to say, what you don't know you have can't hurt you if you're not there."

    The President went on to explain the reasons for his new initiative.
    "For too long these good musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and haven't been getting anything in return. These notes belong to the American people, and it's time to give some of them back."

    The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to tax-paying and note-playing American classical musicians. Chamber musicians who play sonatas together in long-standing legal or church-sanctioned relationships are entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes. String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as follows: 5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for cellists, and only 500 for violists. Already this arrangement has generated considerable controversy, since it clearly favors the upper instruments. Pianists are
    entitled to a 15,000-note refund, because in the words of the President, "they play lots and lots and lots of notes. Their fingers must be really well oiled. Those digits can really add up, musicologistically speaking."

    Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They point to the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest figures from the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also claim that Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible. Noting recent reports indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction with the sliding economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they find parallels in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan threatens the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi, and Semi-Quaver Reserve.

    On Friday. Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of what, in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back doesn't mean they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's musical health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes."
    "Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in performance for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be leaving out all the fast movements because they don't have enough notes to get through them. Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last movement of the octet."

    Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast at his ranch, President Bush responded, "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the defense, education, and fast-movement president. If Congress minds its musical matters, we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn Octagon, too."

    Conductor to orchestra at the start of rehearsal:
    "Please get out your pencils. We have some marking to do.
    The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written.
    Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end.
    In bar 7 we lower the pitch half a step.
    In bar 13 lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to the end.
    In bar 26 where it says strict tempo, cross that out and write in molto rubato.
    In bar 32 cross out the grand pause.
    And, lastly, in bar 44, take out the legato and write in staccato.
    Thank you. Let's begin."
    Soprano soloist: "Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like me to change?"
    Conductor: "Nothing at all, Madam. Sing it exactly as you did yesterday."

    A trumpeter comes to an audition and is been asked to play a very high passage.
    Then he is very sorry: "Sorry, but the high register is not my best".
    "Well", the GMD sais, "we have also an opening for 2nd.
    Would you mind playing this low solo for me ?"
    "Sorry", the candidate says again, "but the low register is also not my best".
    "Never mind", the GMD replies, "we also have an opening for an utility trumpet.
    Would you mind, to play a nice cantilena in the middle register for me?"
    "Oh, Mr.XY", the candidate replies again, "cantilena in the middle register is not my favourite".
    "What the heck is you best ?", the GMD asks, allready a bit angry.
    "Yes, yes, my best is the fast tongue !", the candidate says proudly.
    "That's absolutely wonderful", the GMD exclaims, "so you can lick my ... ! OOOOOUUUUTTTTT !"

    Once a maestro was on his podium and an overhead 220 volt electrical cable broke loose and fell across the maestro and the first violin player.
    The 1st violin was electrocuted instantly but the maestro was not injured. Why? He was a poor conductor.

    I just got a French Horn.
    WOW
    I think I'm in love, can't stop playing it, imagining playing it,
    practising fingerings in my head... wait. Stop. I'm supposed to be
    in love with my boyfriend! Maybe I'd better compare the two?
    Boyfriend...
    ...looks rumpled in the morning, but can be cleaned daily and dressed in stylish clothes.
    French horn...
    ...always looks smart and shiny.

    Boyfriend...
    ...appreciates caressing every day.
    French horn...
    ...needs caressing much less frequently, albeit with a lacquer cloth.

    Boyfriend...
    ...gets irritated and jealous when you talk about your French horn for hours.
    French horn...
    ...has no objection to you talking to it about your boyfriend.

    Boyfriend...
    ...objects to you kissing or fondling with other men.
    French Horn...
    ...doesn't mind you playing with other instruments with your hands,
    but would prefer you saved the mouth action for it alone.

    Boyfriend...
    ...is warm and soft to cuddle.
    French horn
    ...is cold at first, and not very cuddly.

    Boyfriend...
    ...will sleep with you and provide warmth at night.
    French horn...
    ...would rather not.

    French horn...
    ...needs the water emptying from it frequently.
    Boyfriend...
    ...is conveniently self-emptying.

    French horn...
    ...in cold weather, can be a little stiff and slow to warm up.
    Boyfriend...
    ...requires non-cold weather in order to be stiff, and generally
    is very fast to warm up.

    French horn...
    ...produces beautiful music when you blow it.
    Boyfriend...
    ...is mostly silent when you blow him, with a sort of strangled
    noise at the end.

    French horn...
    ...produces a variety of golden tones when you put your hand up its rear end.
    Boyfriend...
    ...produces a variety of noises when you put your hand up his rear
    end, including shrieking noises and calling you a pervert.

    When I conduct my favorite horn player is the player who doesn't miss notes.
    Besides, why do they miss all those notes anyway?
    Isn't hornplaying just about pushing those 4 little buttons at the right time?

    REAL RULES OF BEHAVIOUR

    1. Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
    2. Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too early.
    3. If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It gives the music an antique look.
    4. Always ad lib and take things up one octave. It shows initiative, and composer probably would have been grateful.
    5. Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
    6. Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone you can do two things at once.
    7. Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbor to tell you when to play.
    8. Always play the 4th horn cues, he always plays yours.
    9. Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
    10. Always slouch in your chair. It shows you're relaxed.
    11. Never play absolutely in tune, It sounds funny.
    12. Always raise your hand during rehearsal to ask a stupid question.
    It kills time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
    13. Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
    14. Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you're currently playing.
    15. Never let anyone play louder than you.
    16. Always glance at the conductor. He likes to think he's in charge.

    NEW MAHLER GLOSSARY

    Langsam = Slowly

    Schleppend = Slowly

    Daempfer auf = Slowly

    Mit Dampfer = Slowly

    Allmaehlich in das Hauptzeitmass ubergehen = do not look at conductor

    Im Anfang sehr gemaechlich = in intense inner torment

    Alle Betonungen sehr zart = with more intense inner torment

    Getheilt = out of tune

    Von hier an in sehr allmaehlicher aber stetiger Steigerung bis zum Zeichen = From this point on, the spit valves should be emptied with ever-increasing emotion

    Hier ist ein frisches belebtes Zeitmass eingetreten = Slowly

    Haupttempo = Slowly

    Noch ein wenig bechleunigend = slowing down with a sense of speeding up

    immer noch zurueckhaltend = with steadily decreasing competence

    sehr gemaechlich = With indescribably horrific inner torment

    Etwas bewegter, aber immer noch ruhig = Somewhat louder, though more inaudible than before

    Gemaechlich = Intermission

    Ganz unmerklich etwas zuruckhaltend = Slowly

    Etwas gemaechlicher als zuvor = Slowly

    Zurueckhaltend = Gesundheit

    Von hier ab unmerklich breiter werden = As if wild animals were gnawing on your liver

    Ohne cresc. = Without toothpaste

    Immer noch zurueckhaltend = slowly

    Allmaehlich etwas lebhafter = Screaming in agony

    Ohne Nachschlag = Without milk

    Kraeftig bewegt = Slowly

    Alle = Second violins tacet

    Mit dem Holze zu streichen = like a hole in the head

    mit Parodie = Viola solo

    sehr einfach und schlicht = Slowly

    Daempfer ab = eyes closed

    Den ersten Ton scharf herausgegeben = Do not play until buzzer sounds

    Am Griffbrett = As if in tune

    Aeusserst zart aber ausdrucksvoll = Radiantly joyful despite the itching

    Wieder zurueckhaltend = Increasingly decreasing

    Noch breiter als vorher = Better late than never

    Nicht eilen = No eels

    Allmaelich (unmerklich) etwas zuruckhaltend = Much faster (slower) than conductor

    Lang gestrichen = Heads Up

    Lang gezogen = Heads down

    Die werden allmaehlich staerker und staerker bis zum fp = In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as flotation device